Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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