I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
