Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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