Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
