the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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