Tell her she can't have a vagina
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
