My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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