I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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