you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
