just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
