Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I cockslap morals
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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