In the future we'll all be gay
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
