but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
