My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
