don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
