She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
