the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Randomize
