My liver just broke up with me...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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