I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
