apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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