Your dad touched me again.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
