Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
