i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
