see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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