In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
