kristin has been a bad kristin
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
