hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
