You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
