I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
