Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
