his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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