Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
