i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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