I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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