He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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