i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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