I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
