When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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