dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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