and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
wow bdsm is so cute
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
