Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
