Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
