watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
