His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
There's a naked man in my car right now.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
