After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
