So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Your topless pictures make me question reality
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
