It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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