We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
