Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
