So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
