1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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