All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
