I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
