I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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